I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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