Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I will be naked everywhere
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
