actually, I'm a sock model
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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