and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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