I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Randomize
