He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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