I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you mean i was at the winter classic?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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