Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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