dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
