I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
