I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
