I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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