Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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