That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
