Ambien. No doubt about it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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