Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
