Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
