Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
