Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
