the condom got lost in my hair
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
where are my eyebrows?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
