my vag is so smooth its legendary
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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