Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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