Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
