I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
