I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
