So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
