Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
