I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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