I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
