Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
