You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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