I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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