Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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