you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
