If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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