time to smoke my breakfast
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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