The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
