A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
