i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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