she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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