Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You are a genius and a whore.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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