I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
