omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I will be naked everywhere
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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