I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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