why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why do cheetos always look like penises
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
