If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
