well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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