I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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