I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize