why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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