You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
