Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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