You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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