Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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