Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize