Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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