There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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