Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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