Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
