i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
