It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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