mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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