College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
