remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
