I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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