mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
